#89- Change A Tire

At some point, I suppose, I should cover some basics.  Changing a tire is a pretty simple task that people always seem to make harder than it actually is (myself included).  I won’t explain the total simplicity of changing a tire, but instead I’ll shoot you a few pro tips that might make it easier on you, because honestly, I could type myself blue in the face and it wouldn’t be as useful to you as you actually doing it for yourself.

  • First, find out- especially if it’s someone else’s car- and especially if you wax and wane on whether that person possesses any common sense or not- two things: 1) where the jack is and if they have one at all and 2) What the condition of the spare tire is, andoff they have one of those at all.  I say this because the last thing you want to do on hour fourteen of a road trip, in the middle of a Hooter’s parking lot in Fredricksburg, Virginia, in matching wife beaters and black cowboy hats with flames on the sides, is realize that your spare tire is also flat, and that there are about forty good ole boys looking out the window at you and the seconds are ticking down before you either get an ass beating or an ass raping or both.
  • Loosen the bolts before you jack the car up. If they’re on pretty tight, you’re gonna either break your jack or tear your socket wrench if it’s the shitty one that comes with the car.
  • Store bolts in your hubcap so they don’t go for a wander.
  • When tightening the bolts back onto the spare, you should tighten in the same fashion as you were taught to draw a five pointed star in grade school. (I should apologize here, I’m doing this from my phone, normally I’d have a .gif here of someone drawing a 5 pointed star, and in fact, any picture or link at all, but it is not too easy to do from the mobile site so for tonight, my writing will have to stand on its own) The reason you tighten the bolts this way is to, basically, prevent the wheel from being secured not flush to the axle (you’ll just have to trust me that this is both possible and very dangerous), resulting in you and your companions’s firey deaths.
  • Mocking your friends who aren’t as up to speed on tire-changing as you is both an effective and logical way of ensuring they will be better at it next time. This is important part of it because you want to know your friends will be able to take care of themselves if they’re out there on their own, or if the gods smile on them for a change and a beautiful, single, and clueless woman in desperate need of a tender yet manly hand should be lit by her hazards on the roadside, the last thing you want is your buddy to show up eager and handsome, only to come off like a total ignoramus because he can’t change a tire.
  • Last thing- if someone is broken down on the roadside, at least ponder stopping to help them. I’m not saying you have to stop, I’m saying scope the situation out, and if the hairs on the back of your neck stay flush to your skin, maybe stop and help out. Many people travel this earth without faith in their fellow man. Change some outlooks when you can (#4157).

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