#204- On Umbrellas

Rare are the times when you should be using an umbrella.  I’m not talking about beach umbrellas.  Protecting your skin from the sun is important, so use those as often as possible.  I’m talking about umbrellas that protect you from the inconvenience of precipitation. Like this-

Rare are the cases where umbrellas are acceptable to begin with, but for this particular umbrella, I can encompass its times for acceptable use with one word- never.

In fact, I don’t think much of umbrellas at all, but, due to the fickle nature of chivalry, it is occasionally necessary.  If you are with a lady or children, be a gentleman and hold an umbrella for them.

I’ll quickly move into acceptable types of umbrellas, and again, they are few. Generally speaking, I only really think there are two possible choices, viewed here-

Why these two?  Well, one, because swords are awesome, but really, they just look the best.  If you’re going to carry an umbrella, carry a fucking umbrella for fuck’s sake.

What I mean is, those foldable ones are certainly convenient, but they are by no means manly.  If you carry < that type of umbrella, you’ll look like a man who is confident in himself.  Carry your umbrella.

The second reason I like this type is its size.  It’s big.  Enough for two, or three, or a whole wrangle of kids.  That way you seem a little less selfish, and you can offer to share with that charming brunette with the legs that go all the way down to the ground getting soaked in front of you.

Another good reason to carry a sizable umbrella is that it’s a handy way of fending of cads and troublesome youths that might happen across your desired route.  Seriously, it’s a big pointy stick that can be used for jabbing, slashing, throwing, blocking, and opening in their face right before you run away.

But really, unless you can pull this look off-

Which I doubt, there is no need for an umbrella.  They make waterproof jackets, women love carrying their own because FASHION or whatever, and you don’t have any kids.  If you need to defend yourself from cads, well, Teddy Roosevelt Jr. stormed the beaches at Normandy with nothing but a cane in his hand.  Make due.

Honestly, though, the reason I don’t like umbrellas is simply that I love the rain.  And you should, too.  In fact, as of this moment, loving the rain is step 5,040.

Rain is awesome.  Moving beyond how it makes life possible and things like that, on a basic level, it really is a wonderful thing to feel on your face when you are hungover.  When you’re in a bad place it can feel refreshing like nothing else ever does, and god damnit, if there wasn’t rain, one of the best scenes in one of the all time greatest movies wouldn’t be possible, or nearly as awesome-

Signing off now, but let me leave you with a protip-

If ever you absolutely must have an umbrella, go into the nearest bar, and just ask the bartender, ‘hey, is there any chance you have an umbrella in the lost and found that I might be able to have?’  He’ll almost definitely get you one.  Tip him, he works for free.

The Step-  To paraphrase Joan Crawford, ‘No collapsable umbrellas, ever!’

Have I Done It Yet-  Used an umbrella?  In my naive youth, yes.  Fended off cads with an umbrella?  No

Ok, I’ll leave you with these two pictures I found while google searching for ‘bowler umbrella’

This one was entitled 'Stock photo of crazy businesswoman in bowler hat with umbrella.' Did not realize until that moment that there was a market for such photos.


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