#595- Do Weddings Properly

If you don’t like weddings, maybe you should examine whether you have a soul at all.  The wedding of a good friend is no reason to be anything but overwhelmingly happy, and to have a hell of a good time.  When else but at a wedding can you talk innuendo about two people gettin’ busy to a ninety-three year old grandmother?  If you know a time other than on a wedding day, well, I want to know what retirement home you’re cruising in your leisure time.  So, a few simple rules to be really successful-

Attire– I’m not saying you HAVE to wear suspenders, I’ll just point out that if you don’t, you won’t have a chance during the late night portion of the event to look like James Caan in  The Godfather.  Really the choice is up to you.  But to do that, you’ll need to grow some good body hair(#9,001) as well, and I know some of you have the bodies of eight year olds.

During the Electric Slide– Go to the bar and get another round.

Don’t Make Any Toasts– If you’re not the best man.

Dancing– Bone up on your dance moves for when those awkward white people circles develop.  If you need some inspiration, I recommend these guys:

Your Hotel Room– Stock up on beer and some Jamie.  If there’s no after party, make your own.  Invite everyone.  The more people over 60 that show up, the better.  Speaking of which…

Have A Drink- With the patriarch of the opposite family.  If you’re there for the groom, find the father of the bride and buy him a drink.  It’s been a long day for him, I’m sure.

Cigars– Assume that no one else is on it.  You take charge.  Get two boxes, and assume every guy there will want one.  Use wood matches.

Don’t– Do anything you learned in Wedding Crashers.  Funny movie, but as life advice goes, if you really want to be like either of those guys, you should have a good long look at what’s important to you.

Have A Moment– With the bride and groom.  Their day is going to be quite hectic.  Say something nice to them.  Funny also helps.  And then let them be.  They have a lot of people to talk to.

Throw Yourself In Wholeheartedly– to this song:

Belt Limbohttp://beltlimbo.tumblr.com/

That’s about it.  Have fun.

Chuck Vindaloo.  Excited to be here.

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3 responses to “#595- Do Weddings Properly

  1. Getting married in August, sending this to all the guys involved! There should have been a Bachelor party section also. For me, no tacky stripper BS; kegs, friends, bonfires, home made chili over the fire, loud music, and Axe throwing. Yeah, I said Axe throwing.

    • Sorry. I meant, no tacky stripper BS. ONLY kegs, friends, bonfires, home made chili over the fire, loud music, and Axe throwing.

    • Hey Phil-
      Thanks for reading. There is a whole Step on being the Best Man (#5). I’ll try and post it before August to give your buddy some tips. Good luck mandango.
      JP
      P.S. How’d you hear about my blog?

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