This one requires as much prep work as anything else. Without a doubt, you better be the one cooking, and the one cleaning to pull this off properly.
One time I was down in Tennessee doing Habitat for Humanity with my old high school, and there were a bunch of us alumni along with current students. One night I cooked a big lasagna dinner, and it was good, but nothing special. Everyone got fed though. This asshole forever after known as Richie Nibbles decided he had to show me up the next night, so he goes with this whole chicken parmesan deal. Don’t get me wrong, the food was good, but he left a fucking mess for me and three poor high school chumps to clean up. It was like letting a four year old loose in the kitchen with a slingshot full of olive oil and batter. The pots he didn’t use were dirty. So fuck that. Do the dishes (#3,319).
Anyway, in college, my roommate Charlie taught me the proper, and dare I say, manliest way I know, to cook a turkey. This is a family recipe of his handed down from, and probably invented by his father (who is a fucking legend- ask Charlie sometime about him rolling kegs down the streets of LSU after another successful panty-raid). The recipe is below:
1 Case of Heinekin
1 Massive Turkey
3 White Onions
Directions: Put the turkey in the oven at whatever the proper turkey-cooking temperature is. Chop those fucking onions and toss them in there with it. Every time you need a fresh beer, use half of a Heinekin to baste the turkey, drink the rest. Repeat until you are good and drunk, and hungry as hell.
The last thing we haven’t touched on his how to attack a giant spread. People say things like, ‘avoid starches’ and ‘don’t fill up on sides.’ Bullshit. Get after whatever strikes your stomach best. I do agree with pacing, it certainly is a marathon, and you’ll always have that last hill (dessert) to get to the finish line well and proper, but find whatever the best dish is, get a big whack of it on your plate, and be sure you have the proper utensil for injecting it into your mouth, even if that is the serving spoon itself.
The Step- Feast like a pro.
Have I Done It- Absolutely.
This Author’s Total Man Points- 3.5
p.s. I would have included pictures but I’m at work on a holiday (#4,772).